LOVE:
Struggling with this one. There was a meme on FB that says You deserve the kind of love you would give someone else. I don't feel like that will ever happen. I feel like I give a lot of love and don't get much back. I have a lot of friends who would do a lot for me, don't get me wrong. But finding someone who is willing to partner with me for life and give me that kind of love. No I don't think it will happen. I was raised with too much "man" traits to find someone willing to put up with that. Ah well, life is. And if I am meant to go through life without a partner well then I guess I just have to accept it and make the best of it. I just don't know how.
GOAL:
So the real reason I am posting today is last night I had my first day of teaching at the university. I am teaching a course in my industry about what I do for a living day to day. I got really wonderful feedback, even on the first class. I am excited to see how this semester turns out. What was really crazy to me was that I was amped until about midnight last night. Just totally wired. I have never been wired like that from any job I have ever done. Work is a grind you just have to get through day to day. I think most women feel that way. They want to find a job that fulfills them, but it never works out that way. Always it is draining to the soul and ends up a grind. We are never appreciated for our talents and always told that we need to be more of something we can never be and less of what comes naturally to us. This fall I worked for a man who gets it. We had an incident at work, where he implied out loud to the rest of the office that I wasn't doing my job, and not doing a good job. I have dealt with worse as an engineer, but it still stings. Well, let me tell you, the next day he shows up and says loudly to the office at large that my contributions are exceptional and that I should never wonder if my efforts are appreciated and valued. WOW!!! How do I get that kind of boss forever!!! So my goal, should the Lord and Lady grant me, to obtain a job with excellent pay and benefits, vacation commensurate with all my years working, in the oil and gas sector, teaching like I am doing now at the university, with the option to be able to work for a few weeks out of the year from California so I can deal with mom issues and have a boss like Mr. Darrell, within easy driving distance to my current house.
Ok, not much to ask for, just the impossible! Let's see how the universe responds.
INVENTORY:
In the meantime, about what I have been doing to move this goal forward. I have found something I enjoy doing, I have experienced for the first time in my life a boss who supports my efforts and gets what it means to be a woman working in a mans world and encourages me in ways that I can take in. I know that this is home, that is huge!! I love my property, I like my little home, but wish it was bigger, so a good paying job will allow me to do what I really want to do with this property! With reasonable vacation, I will be able to see mom and also get some vacation time for myself. I will continue to speak with industry folks and talk myself up to them about what I am doing and how I am doing it.
MOTIVATION:
Something greater than this goal. Hmmm, not sure at the moment, but making a change within the industry because of my efforts, to see the waves of my efforts propagate out into the industry and the world at large. Yes, that would be beyond belief. This is my humble prayer to the Lord and Lady. I have put it out there and now it is time to see what I can turn this into!!
Tuesday, January 24, 2017
Tuesday, July 12, 2016
12 July 2016: Leaving Shell and my next steps...
LOVE:
I am so very grateful for the love of my pups, I was getting ready to write this blog and my youngest pup came up and put his paws on my arm and looked deeply into my eyes, as if to say, I see you, I see who you really are, and I love you no matter what I see.
GOAL:
So a little back story is necessary here. I was notified I would be laid off by Shell on May 10th, one day after my dad's 79th birthday, and 2 days before I was to leave for a week long vacation to see my mom, who has Alzheimer's, and take her to see her brothers, nieces and nephews and all the grand nieces and nephews.
I was torn up about the news, not because it was unexpected or unwanted, but I didn't know what I wanted to do next. I had two choices really, get another 9-to-5 job or take a leap and start my own business.
I spent time getting very quiet in order to hear the guidance of the Lord and Lady (yes I believe in Wicca, but freely "borrow" from whatever religion seems to have the best solution to the problem I am facing. I am kind of mercenary that way). Anyway, I got very quiet and tried to hear what the Divine was saying. The first couple of times I heard it, I couldn't believe it. So I asked again and again, really, the first 8 or 9 times couldn't be the truth. They said, trust Us and take this leap of faith. Start your own business. Holy crap!!! Talk about scary, so I asked a few more times (ok, about 20 or so), are You sure??? Yup!
Since I got back from vacation in May I have been working hard to figure out how to get my business started. Because Goddess forbid I do something easy. Today I was told, and I quote, "You are running down stairs filled with toys with open scissors in each hand!"
I have to:
To tie all this in, my goal is the same as it has been since I got notice I was laid off.
To start my own successful company providing an alternative to the surety bonds that offshore oil and gas operators have to purchase to cover decommissioning liability.
INVENTORY:
What is keeping me from achieving my goals? Really, at this point, not being able to assimilate all the data I need to know. I feel like I opened up a fire hose and am trying to drink every drop. But I can only do what I can do, and the Lord and Lady will do the rest, or take care of it in some way.
What else is stopping me?
The fear, deep seated fear, that I am going to be broke before I make it. JK Rowling, the founder of Crossfit, these folks were almost in the poor house or insane asylum before they got it right, I really, really don't want to do that. The only way I can counter that fear is by prayer, and introspection, and having faith.
So faith, yes faith, is helping me to achieve my goals. And that is the point of all this, what we call life, right? Have faith and the world will be opened to you. I hope and pray that my faith won't lead me astray. It hasn't yet, so I am going to keep trusting it!
MOTIVATION:
My faith, goodness, my faith is what is keeping me motivated. I start to get upset, or depressed, or stressed, and I think I can't do this, who am I to consider making this kind of impact. And then I get quiet, or I push myself to go out and talk with one more friend, one more person who has gotten in touch with me, and BOOM! my next step becomes clear.
My motivation appears when I need it because I have faith. A former co-worker said to me, you know, there is too much "fake" motivation in the corporate work world. He said faith needs to be front and center and not be something you do once you get home or on Sundays. He is absolutely right. Do what you love and have faith that it is enough! That is my motivation!
I am so very grateful for the love of my pups, I was getting ready to write this blog and my youngest pup came up and put his paws on my arm and looked deeply into my eyes, as if to say, I see you, I see who you really are, and I love you no matter what I see.
GOAL:
So a little back story is necessary here. I was notified I would be laid off by Shell on May 10th, one day after my dad's 79th birthday, and 2 days before I was to leave for a week long vacation to see my mom, who has Alzheimer's, and take her to see her brothers, nieces and nephews and all the grand nieces and nephews.
I was torn up about the news, not because it was unexpected or unwanted, but I didn't know what I wanted to do next. I had two choices really, get another 9-to-5 job or take a leap and start my own business.
I spent time getting very quiet in order to hear the guidance of the Lord and Lady (yes I believe in Wicca, but freely "borrow" from whatever religion seems to have the best solution to the problem I am facing. I am kind of mercenary that way). Anyway, I got very quiet and tried to hear what the Divine was saying. The first couple of times I heard it, I couldn't believe it. So I asked again and again, really, the first 8 or 9 times couldn't be the truth. They said, trust Us and take this leap of faith. Start your own business. Holy crap!!! Talk about scary, so I asked a few more times (ok, about 20 or so), are You sure??? Yup!
Since I got back from vacation in May I have been working hard to figure out how to get my business started. Because Goddess forbid I do something easy. Today I was told, and I quote, "You are running down stairs filled with toys with open scissors in each hand!"
I have to:
- Get government approval for what I am doing,
- Convince an entire industry that what I am suggesting is the best solution even though the concept is counter to anything they have ever considered.
- Do all this knowing that my strongest skills are my engineering/analytical/research skills, NOT my sales/marketing/persuasion skills.
To tie all this in, my goal is the same as it has been since I got notice I was laid off.
To start my own successful company providing an alternative to the surety bonds that offshore oil and gas operators have to purchase to cover decommissioning liability.
- I would judge it successful when I am able to buy back my mom's home from the reverse mortgage sharks who convinced her to do something that foolish.
- Secondly, I would judge a successful when I am able to build the big house on my property. Beyond that I would judge it a success if I have profit enough that am able to draw a living salary for myself and any co-founders.
- Additionally, I want to change the way people in the oil and gas industry perceive decommissioning liability. I don't want it to be an afterthought, I want it to be part of their daily expenses and so they never have to worry if they will have enough money.
- I want to be the person who changes the paradigm!
INVENTORY:
What is keeping me from achieving my goals? Really, at this point, not being able to assimilate all the data I need to know. I feel like I opened up a fire hose and am trying to drink every drop. But I can only do what I can do, and the Lord and Lady will do the rest, or take care of it in some way.
What else is stopping me?
The fear, deep seated fear, that I am going to be broke before I make it. JK Rowling, the founder of Crossfit, these folks were almost in the poor house or insane asylum before they got it right, I really, really don't want to do that. The only way I can counter that fear is by prayer, and introspection, and having faith.
So faith, yes faith, is helping me to achieve my goals. And that is the point of all this, what we call life, right? Have faith and the world will be opened to you. I hope and pray that my faith won't lead me astray. It hasn't yet, so I am going to keep trusting it!
MOTIVATION:
My faith, goodness, my faith is what is keeping me motivated. I start to get upset, or depressed, or stressed, and I think I can't do this, who am I to consider making this kind of impact. And then I get quiet, or I push myself to go out and talk with one more friend, one more person who has gotten in touch with me, and BOOM! my next step becomes clear.
- One friend was able to put me in touch with someone who has a reinsurance company.
- Another friend who got his master's thesis in how to price bonds.
- Another friend put me in touch with someone who has contacts within the oil and gas insurance industry.
- Another friend has a venture capital company ready to hear my pitch, all I need to do is get to that point.
My motivation appears when I need it because I have faith. A former co-worker said to me, you know, there is too much "fake" motivation in the corporate work world. He said faith needs to be front and center and not be something you do once you get home or on Sundays. He is absolutely right. Do what you love and have faith that it is enough! That is my motivation!
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Success!!!
GOAL: It has been a long while since I have posted here, but I have been keeping mostly on top of my daily meditations at least. And last week the meditations paid of BIG time!!! I got the job of my dreams in New Orleans, after accepting a position in Houston. I had made my peace with the fact that I wasn't getting what I had hoped for and the company called me after I had accepted the offer to tell me they had found a position for me in New Orleans and would I be willing to take the position. HECK YEAH!!! So for me, this is a dream come true and a confirmation that this stuff really does work! Even when it appeared that I would be moving to Houston I still believed that this meditation works and is worthwhile. Now I know it is amazing and it has made a believer out of me! So my next big task is to come up with a new goal to set my sights on! Part of it is to get back in shape which includes eating right and getting down to a weight that looks good on me. Which has less to do with the scale and more to do with my workouts! So I think although this has been a goal for a little over a month now, I need to formalize it. I will get back to you on what the exact wording of the goal will be. Let me think on it....
Thursday, May 5, 2011
5 May 2011
LOVE:
Yesterday I has having a very bad day. My asthma was kicking up and when it does that sometimes I steals my brain cells by starving me of oxygen and it does it in such a sneaky way that I don't realize it until I hit a critical mass! So yesterday I was feeling very stupid, just couldn't get anything to stick in my brain. So finally at around 5:30pm I realized what was going on. Doh! It made the rest of my day much better.
GOAL:
Same goal as ever get a job in the oil and gas sector that I am based out of New Orleans, and every day I get to design systems and products to save lives with a supportive boss who promotes lifelong learning!
Personally, I want to be inspirational to everyone I meet! I want to be that person that uplifts others and makes their day a little brighter!
INVENTORY:
Self care as far as diet goes has been great, but exercise, horrible. For some reason I am having a huge sticking point about getting into the gym. I just don't want to do it. This morning is a classic example. I want to go row, but I don't want to make the effort to go to the gym to do it. It is just an excuse, but I can't seem to shake it. So for now I am sitting with it and letting it process. But this is another of those things that I want to turn over to the divine, I need help with the motivation, desire, drive to get back into the gym.
I did help out a friend yesterday and truly felt like I was able to put my skills to work for him and make a difference in his life!
MOTIVATION:
I realized this morning something. Even though I have read this book and know that leadership is about doing your best in everything, I still have this belief that I have to do something huge, amazing and over the top for my thesis. I don't and I do. I don't need to make that the only thing of import I do, but I do need to make a heroic effort at everything. Good reminder for me. And a request to turn that over to the divine so I can keep that in mind in all things I do.
Yesterday I has having a very bad day. My asthma was kicking up and when it does that sometimes I steals my brain cells by starving me of oxygen and it does it in such a sneaky way that I don't realize it until I hit a critical mass! So yesterday I was feeling very stupid, just couldn't get anything to stick in my brain. So finally at around 5:30pm I realized what was going on. Doh! It made the rest of my day much better.
GOAL:
Same goal as ever get a job in the oil and gas sector that I am based out of New Orleans, and every day I get to design systems and products to save lives with a supportive boss who promotes lifelong learning!
Personally, I want to be inspirational to everyone I meet! I want to be that person that uplifts others and makes their day a little brighter!
INVENTORY:
Self care as far as diet goes has been great, but exercise, horrible. For some reason I am having a huge sticking point about getting into the gym. I just don't want to do it. This morning is a classic example. I want to go row, but I don't want to make the effort to go to the gym to do it. It is just an excuse, but I can't seem to shake it. So for now I am sitting with it and letting it process. But this is another of those things that I want to turn over to the divine, I need help with the motivation, desire, drive to get back into the gym.
I did help out a friend yesterday and truly felt like I was able to put my skills to work for him and make a difference in his life!
MOTIVATION:
I realized this morning something. Even though I have read this book and know that leadership is about doing your best in everything, I still have this belief that I have to do something huge, amazing and over the top for my thesis. I don't and I do. I don't need to make that the only thing of import I do, but I do need to make a heroic effort at everything. Good reminder for me. And a request to turn that over to the divine so I can keep that in mind in all things I do.
Monday, May 2, 2011
2 May 2011
I don't know what it was last night but I kept waking up with night terrors. They are never specific and usually if I focus on one terror to the point where I calm myself down about it, it morphs into a different terror. So last night I tried something new. Every time I had a bad thought I would meditate on "The divine always loves me unconditionally, and routinely brings miracles into my life. This allows me to be inspirational to those around me." And it worked. Not perfect, but it stopped cold the terrors. I still couldn't get to sleep, but meditating on divine love and how it helps me to reach my goals, not a bad way to spend a sleepless night.
LOVE: So today it was divine love always loving me unconditionally, and routinely bringing miracles into my life. Those are wonderful things to meditate on and the calm it brings is so worth it!
GOAL: It has been a few days since I last posted my career goal in it's entirety. But here it is again. I am employed full time based out of New Orleans working in the oil and gas sector saving lives by engineering safer systems, through reliability engineering! With a supportive boss and an environment which promotes continual learning.
Personally, I want to be inspirational to those around me. I want to help everyone who wishes it to be the best person they can be. Not be the best, but the best they can be. There was a great conversation last night about education. It should never be about across the board standards, but standards for each individual child. This is also what the Jesuits teach in their schools. They see the divinity in each child and help to bring that child to their fullest potential. There is no success or failure in that system, other than did the child achieve all s/he could achieve? If the child didn't how did the educators screw up to prevent that child from reaching their full potential. It is NEVER the child's fault. NEVER!
INVENTORY:
I am so very proud of myself. On Friday night I was seriously craving potato chips, I have some sitting on my counter from before. I have been really good all week about staying away from carbs and sticking to the diet. And I did it again on Friday. I fixed myself a salad and some protein and stuck with it!
This weekend was a friend's birthday and I made home made ice cream and we went out to and Italian restaurant. No way to stay away from the carbs. I didn't but I enjoyed the meal and did a good job of food choices. Sunday I kinda fell of the wagon, but that was mostly expected too. I need to find a low carb alternative to biscuits and gravy. I love the gravy too much to give it up all together, so I am going to have to figure that one out!
But this post is about successes! I did good on Friday, and this weekend was expected and this week I am back on the diet and taking care of myself! Last night was about a success as well. I was able to deal with the night terrors in a way that made the morning a joy instead of a dread! YEAH! And finally, I am celebrating my successes, which is a huge win for me!
MOTIVATION:
I got one reply to my Facebook post about how do you tell the difference between an all out effort and just a good effort. It was "When it takes every bit of your mental capacity to 'get there'." Which is enough of an answer for me. What that means is that I routinely go above and beyond. When I am having an off day I don't do that, but most often I do. There is something in me that says if I haven't given ever bit of who I am to the effort, I haven't given enough and I will beat myself up. So this has been an excellent exercise for me. I always have the motivation. This one isn't something I need to focus on. My internal guidance will always result in an over the top effort. It is good to know and it is nice to know that even when I feel like I haven't given enough, I am still doing exactly what needs to be done. I just am not going above and beyond.
LOVE: So today it was divine love always loving me unconditionally, and routinely bringing miracles into my life. Those are wonderful things to meditate on and the calm it brings is so worth it!
GOAL: It has been a few days since I last posted my career goal in it's entirety. But here it is again. I am employed full time based out of New Orleans working in the oil and gas sector saving lives by engineering safer systems, through reliability engineering! With a supportive boss and an environment which promotes continual learning.
Personally, I want to be inspirational to those around me. I want to help everyone who wishes it to be the best person they can be. Not be the best, but the best they can be. There was a great conversation last night about education. It should never be about across the board standards, but standards for each individual child. This is also what the Jesuits teach in their schools. They see the divinity in each child and help to bring that child to their fullest potential. There is no success or failure in that system, other than did the child achieve all s/he could achieve? If the child didn't how did the educators screw up to prevent that child from reaching their full potential. It is NEVER the child's fault. NEVER!
INVENTORY:
I am so very proud of myself. On Friday night I was seriously craving potato chips, I have some sitting on my counter from before. I have been really good all week about staying away from carbs and sticking to the diet. And I did it again on Friday. I fixed myself a salad and some protein and stuck with it!
This weekend was a friend's birthday and I made home made ice cream and we went out to and Italian restaurant. No way to stay away from the carbs. I didn't but I enjoyed the meal and did a good job of food choices. Sunday I kinda fell of the wagon, but that was mostly expected too. I need to find a low carb alternative to biscuits and gravy. I love the gravy too much to give it up all together, so I am going to have to figure that one out!
But this post is about successes! I did good on Friday, and this weekend was expected and this week I am back on the diet and taking care of myself! Last night was about a success as well. I was able to deal with the night terrors in a way that made the morning a joy instead of a dread! YEAH! And finally, I am celebrating my successes, which is a huge win for me!
MOTIVATION:
I got one reply to my Facebook post about how do you tell the difference between an all out effort and just a good effort. It was "When it takes every bit of your mental capacity to 'get there'." Which is enough of an answer for me. What that means is that I routinely go above and beyond. When I am having an off day I don't do that, but most often I do. There is something in me that says if I haven't given ever bit of who I am to the effort, I haven't given enough and I will beat myself up. So this has been an excellent exercise for me. I always have the motivation. This one isn't something I need to focus on. My internal guidance will always result in an over the top effort. It is good to know and it is nice to know that even when I feel like I haven't given enough, I am still doing exactly what needs to be done. I just am not going above and beyond.
Friday, April 29, 2011
29 April 2011
This is all about inventory and turning stuff over. I am literally making myself sick over this quiz I have today that is worth 1% of my grade. In a class where I most assuredly have a mid to high B. So 1% isn't going to kill me, but my stomach is upset and I am in a really foul mood because of this.
I am paying $1000's of dollars for this education and this damn teacher isn't teaching and it is pissing me off. But really that isn't what is at the bottom of this issue. The bottom of this issue is I am convinced really convinced that because I am not getting this from reference material (I missed most of the lectures) I think it means I am stupid. And I think that if I am stupid somehow that is wrapped up in me not being loveable. That is if I am stupid there is nothing worth loving about me. As if my intelligence is the only thing loveable about me. I can't make this right in my head. I can't explain or convince or trick my head into thinking this isn't so. It just is a fact of life, like my previous belief about being a failure and never winning. I truly wish this "defect" this aberrant thought pattern would be something the divine will take on and help me with. I can't do this one on my own.
A good reminder right about now is that I am always loved unconditionally by the divine warts, and all. All I have to do is open my heart to know that it is true!
I am paying $1000's of dollars for this education and this damn teacher isn't teaching and it is pissing me off. But really that isn't what is at the bottom of this issue. The bottom of this issue is I am convinced really convinced that because I am not getting this from reference material (I missed most of the lectures) I think it means I am stupid. And I think that if I am stupid somehow that is wrapped up in me not being loveable. That is if I am stupid there is nothing worth loving about me. As if my intelligence is the only thing loveable about me. I can't make this right in my head. I can't explain or convince or trick my head into thinking this isn't so. It just is a fact of life, like my previous belief about being a failure and never winning. I truly wish this "defect" this aberrant thought pattern would be something the divine will take on and help me with. I can't do this one on my own.
A good reminder right about now is that I am always loved unconditionally by the divine warts, and all. All I have to do is open my heart to know that it is true!
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
27 April 2011
LOVE:
Reminding myself on a day to day basis that I am divinely loved and that I am lovable does so very much to help my self image. I am always loved...unconditionally!
GOAL:
BE INSPIRATIONAL!! That isn't really defined enough, but I am working on it. The last part of the book was about values, it says basically "This is who I am, this is what I stand for and this is what I want." The what I want is easy enough, as is the who I am. I am the sum of my experiences, but the what I stand for...that one is much more difficult. I am going to have to do some work on that. And figure out what I stand for. And what I will not accept.
Career goal is the same employed by August in New Orleans in the oil and gas industry working to save lives through reliability engineering.
INVENTORY:
I had a conversation with a friend last night about success and winning and it is hard for him to understand me because he doesn't view the world like I do, so while he gets the idea of perfection he hasn't ever judged himself to that standard. And as a result he is much more willing to take risks and has far fewer "attachments" It was a good conversation and I think that by focusing on it I will effect a change in my behavior and my thinking! I know the discussions and examination of my self care has made a huge impact on my outlook. I know it takes longer to plan my meals, and make sure that I am taking care of myself, but in the end I am better able to help/take care of others. So it is a win-win for me and for the achievement of my goals. Why would I ever do something that prevents me from reaching such lofty goals. And goals which I am passionate about.
MOTIVATION:
Going above and beyond, never accepting that adequate is good enough. I think part of the reason this is such a challenge for me as that I don't see the difference in doing and adequate job vs. doing an outstanding job. In my life, there has never been a benefit to doing an outstanding job. Other than it requires more energy and effort. But it is never recognized or appreciated, so why do it. I know that doing the exceptional is never about how others perceive it but about how it makes me feel. And maybe this is the issue...maybe I always am going above and beyond and don't recognize it because of my issues with success and winning. How does one define exceptional accomplishments vs. ordinary accomplishments. I actually don't have any idea. I am going to turn this one over to the divine, and ask them to show me what it feels like to achieve something extraordinary vs. something ordinary. Maybe that way I can get a handle on this.
Reminding myself on a day to day basis that I am divinely loved and that I am lovable does so very much to help my self image. I am always loved...unconditionally!
GOAL:
BE INSPIRATIONAL!! That isn't really defined enough, but I am working on it. The last part of the book was about values, it says basically "This is who I am, this is what I stand for and this is what I want." The what I want is easy enough, as is the who I am. I am the sum of my experiences, but the what I stand for...that one is much more difficult. I am going to have to do some work on that. And figure out what I stand for. And what I will not accept.
Career goal is the same employed by August in New Orleans in the oil and gas industry working to save lives through reliability engineering.
INVENTORY:
I had a conversation with a friend last night about success and winning and it is hard for him to understand me because he doesn't view the world like I do, so while he gets the idea of perfection he hasn't ever judged himself to that standard. And as a result he is much more willing to take risks and has far fewer "attachments" It was a good conversation and I think that by focusing on it I will effect a change in my behavior and my thinking! I know the discussions and examination of my self care has made a huge impact on my outlook. I know it takes longer to plan my meals, and make sure that I am taking care of myself, but in the end I am better able to help/take care of others. So it is a win-win for me and for the achievement of my goals. Why would I ever do something that prevents me from reaching such lofty goals. And goals which I am passionate about.
MOTIVATION:
Going above and beyond, never accepting that adequate is good enough. I think part of the reason this is such a challenge for me as that I don't see the difference in doing and adequate job vs. doing an outstanding job. In my life, there has never been a benefit to doing an outstanding job. Other than it requires more energy and effort. But it is never recognized or appreciated, so why do it. I know that doing the exceptional is never about how others perceive it but about how it makes me feel. And maybe this is the issue...maybe I always am going above and beyond and don't recognize it because of my issues with success and winning. How does one define exceptional accomplishments vs. ordinary accomplishments. I actually don't have any idea. I am going to turn this one over to the divine, and ask them to show me what it feels like to achieve something extraordinary vs. something ordinary. Maybe that way I can get a handle on this.
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